madmike's joke thread

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madmike's joke thread

Post by madmike » Fri Oct 16, 2009 8:54 pm

LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 1)


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'






LITTLE KENNY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little Kenny returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
'Why'? asks the father.
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Kenny.
'But that's right' says his father.
'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'
'What's the f*ckin' difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said' replied Kenny.





LITTLE KENNY ON ENGLISH


Little Kenny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Kenny says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Kenny, that's a real mouthful.'
Little Kenny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'





LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR


Little Kenny was sitting in the class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom...
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now Kenny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Kenny thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'





LITTLE KENNY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher..
She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Kenny.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*ckin' beautiful'.






LITTLE KENNY ON GETTING OLDER


Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?
Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own f*ckin' business.
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Post by madmike » Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:47 am

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'.
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The jokes

Post by sbs » Sun Oct 18, 2009 8:57 am

Hi Mike,
Had an absolute ball reading the jokes - particularly the poofy steward one. I hope you won"t mind me sharing them with the local retired mens group. Thanks mate, have a good day. sbs.

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Post by madmike » Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:44 pm

sweet as. More to come.....
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Post by madmike » Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:50 pm

9 Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').


8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
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Post by madmike » Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:56 pm

THE TRUE STORY OF A KIWI CURRY TASTER

Notes from an inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Durban, South Africa from New Zealand

"Recently I was selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. I happened to be standing next to the judge's table at this large restaurant, asking for directions to the beer garden when they asked me to be fill in for an absent 'judge'

I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and most importantly, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? It could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manouver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous 'Burn Down the Barn' curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call BHP, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard that now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Babu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Lavishnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. A good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Curry # 7: Sudhagar's 'Screaming Sensation' Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor white fellow. I wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: --------------

editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report
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Post by madmike » Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:57 pm

A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?"

Bartender: No we don't.

Guy: That's a shame, it's his birthday
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